My Epiphany

I decided to begin this series of blogs after randomly rediscovering my Xanga page, which details about three years worth of my teenage life. After nearly seven years since my last written entry there, I decided to embark on what turned out to be an unusually painful walk down memory lane, perusing each of the entries I posted so long ago.

While reminiscing on my years in middle school and high school, I found moments filled with friendship, love, and success, but along with these, disappointment, death, and regret. In retrospect, I can clearly observe the pathos and emotions of my young self working through the words I wrote in my entries: much of what I wrote highlighted the small joys in my life that made everything seem worth it as well as the lows of my life, which made me question myself. I can see that I covered up much of my pain, my sense of disconnection, distance, and unrelatability, a sense I didn't belong, with fancy words and witty sentences. I really fronted and hid my feelings well, even from myself.

My friendship with Keith Tio, my relationship with Olivia Le, the loss of my cousin Danielle and my best friend Bill were just a few milestones of my pre-adult life. I was surprised at how poetic and creative I tried to note these experiences, however, their meaning and significance has multiplied 10-fold seeing as how I, at 21 years of age, sobbed miserably in my bed when I had always thought these things were too distant in the past to tug on any heart string. I was wrong.

Where I am in life now is built upon this foundation of memories, good and bad. I describe my life now as stagnant, uncertain, but pregnant with possibilities, ambition, and potential success. I have accomplished many things I never dreamed I would be able to as far back as 7 years ago, when I was 14 years old. My concerns now consist of finishing college early as a history major, pursuing careers in either the electronics field like my father, or investigating the medical field, which intrigues me with its themes of helping people. I am involved with the Saint Callistus Church youth ministry, and play guitar for the music choir there every Sunday at 5:30 pm with either Father Ben or Father Jude. I am a youth leader in Confirmation, where I hope to lead others to Christ, who has changed my life. It is a community where I truly feel I belong, one of my own and not one where I was merely raised. I thank God for that opportunity.

*I would like to take this time to note that I am not sure how to journal correctly or effectively, in anticipation that I will look back on this in the future. I guess I just have to feel it out.

Anyways, I am proud of my accomplishments, my talents, and my goals. I have been able to delve into the musical world, where through singing, playing instruments like the guitar, piano, and even the cello, I've felt truly alive. I am still able to play tennis, and now I am able to drive, which allows me to socially connect with others. I am appreciative of the friends I have already made in these past few years, who I value more than any friends I made in high school. Most of these individuals are a part of the Saint Callistus Church Community, which I hope to remain a part of for the rest of my adult life.

The issue now is, what am I going to do with my life? I really don't know. My father offered me a job at his company, with people I've known since I was a toddler. However, the decision is very difficult to make: the economic recession and the relatively easiness involving this job, aside from some knowledge in the electronics field, push me to making a commitment to Semi Dice Inc. just like my father did so long ago. The problem is, I want to help people, like in the medical field. Just recently, my Godfather Duong and my sister Jessica opened my eyes to careers in the public health, safety, and medical fields. I would love to change lives that way and save them as well, I plan to get my feet wet by becoming EMT certified this summer. I don't know if I can take the job my father has offered me, it feels like I'd be ending my young adult years prematurely. I want to be a responsible and providing husband/father some day, is this the beginning of that road? Am I willing to make these sacrifices? Or should I wait, and perhaps realize my dream later on? I can't stand the timing of everything I feel like such a wreck.

For now I choose to sleep on it. I feel so stressed out, both my mind and my eyes feel so heavy with weariness, both physically, and emotionally, from the days strain and also the weight of 7 years of growing up. I hope that I stick to this journal. Though reading my Xanga proved to be difficult, it was very enlightening and satisfying to have the opportunity to reflect on such an important predecessor to my adult life. I do feel though that the more important things happen NOW, and within 10 years I may have a career, a family, and more to look forward to.

Thank you God for giving me another day to live, I pray for my friends, family, and those in need of love. Good night.

-Kev